I don't think I can do this. I don't have anything left to say. I'm already slipping. I can't stand it. I want to post some cartoons so bad. But I refuse. I won't. I must stop. And I must learn to write again. I must express something real. I must be myself. I must not overlook this sweet time in my life and let it slip away, all unwritten about, it would be sad. What, are only desperate times worthy of journaling about? Is that all I know? Well wait a minute, who says I'm not entering into a whole other desperate time, it just doesn't show on the surface yet? I mean, is it even something, or nothing at all, when one begins to walk so slow they seriously begin to consider not walking at all? Is that desperate? Is that bad? Am I worried? Does it matter? Did I know this was coming all along, so I raced to love and safety so I could do it in style?

heehee  yeah that's what I did.

I can't stand it. I know I said I wouldn't be posting any images on here but

*sigh*

I made some cartoons called Go Where The Love Is earlier this year, by accident, the stick people just came out and got all sensitive and deep on me, and I got carried away with it, then forgot about it, then went back and looked at the blog several months later only to discover it was well received and surprisingly liked. I know why. Because it came from the heart. And I posted links to it in all the sections on Reddit where people who are dealing with life issues (depression, anxiety, moving on, etc) hang out. I guess for once in my life I got it right. So I made another batch of them and those seem to be doing good too. I think maybe I should continue on with those, since people can identify with them (I think), but the only problem is it's not easy for me to stay open day in and day out in order to create them. By open I mean, in touch with all that is tender and raw and sensitive and honest. See I fare far more comfortably with the zany cartoons that border on insanity and goofy with a touch of hostility. I love to annoy unsuspecting folks with bad art.

My spirit... are there any adjectives that can describe how I really am now? Weary, spent... baffled. Sitting neath the fallout of the tornado that used to be my life, trying to settle in, learning to rest. Learning to live. Tasting real love. Laughing at everything and nothing. Growing in wisdom yet shrinking in strength, at a loss for words and sometimes even thoughts.

Completion. Seems to be my favorite word these days. My ring has been deposited into Mount Doom. My banana has been peeled. My cake has baked. My tea is steeped, the rat is trapped, the dog's been dipped and the cookie has crumbled. So what do I talk about now? See now why I've just been resorting to drawing pictures? Or do I have it backwards, what if NOW's really the time to talk, and all the cartooning was just stalling? What if in my mind everything's done, but really it's just begun? Cause my life seems to be taking on that theme-- there's always a bigger picture. I already knew that, and I already said that. But I had no idea at the time just how true that was.

I've been watching documentaries lately. And David's finally achieved his goal to get me to enjoy movies again, which I never thought would happen. As far as tv goes, I admit I like Honey Boo Boo. That little girl is really something. I also watch Pawn Stars and find Chumlee very cute and funny. Yes I know. Yes I know I'm actually blogging about stuff I've seen on tv. I'm telling you, times have really changed for me. Can't say I mind a bit, either.
David's at the store now getting more goods, we're having hamburgers tonight. We eat alot of hamburgers. Also, porkchops and chicken. I keep telling him I'm getting too old to be eating like this but he claims to love the extra meat on my bones. Maybe I believe him, because I like him with a potbelly too. He was too gaunt and gangly when he was drinking. Now he looks like a wholesome buttered-up plump & juicy bona fide husband who's fed well. I even like the look of him with his feet up in his recliner. Big plastic cup of coffee by his side and all his ashes & butts in an empty relish jar. My relish. I'm the only one who eats it. On my hotdogs.
Full circle is what this is. Cause I remember one of my very first blogs in which I fretted over one day getting married to a lazy pig who sits around and eats hotdogs, and now it's me who sits around and eats them.
I never knew life could be this good.

Lele's coming to visit. We got the middle room all ready, the bed in there is all nice and fluffed up and cozy, and a new Monopoly game is on the list, along with Battleship and Parcheesi. I told Le she's going down, cause people have a hard time beating me at Monopoly. It's because of my Trick. Works every time, no cheating involved, all you do is set your goals low, be the Slumlord. You know. The low end of the board. I think that's a good way to get by in real life as well. Not to be a Slumlord, but to not expect anything financially and be content with next to nothing. In Monopoly, more people land on the poor properties and more often, than Boardwalk & Park Place, yet everyone always thinks that's the best property to own. Sure you get rich if you can get them both and build, but it's a race against time, and by the time you've built yourself up, someone else is already dominating the poverty section of the board and they end up winning. That's me. That's how I roll.

I have fish. 2 tanks. It started out as one, but there were a couple of "problem fish" in the mix, so David came home with a smaller tank and called it Gangster Paradise. It's where the bad fish go. But it sure doesn't look like a fish prison. It has all the bells & whistles the bigger one has, and even better lighting. So now the 2 bad fish have their own separate home, and they take their badness out on each other sometimes, but for the most part they have a happy life. I'm not sure of the name of the fish, they're just glow in the dark yellows, that's what I call them. David corrects me and says they're green. They're not green, they're neon yellow.
In the bigger tank we have 5 platys. They frolick. I sit and watch them and can't take my eyes off of them. In this tank there's hot pink gravel, colorful fake plants, a castle, and a pirate ship. It's like an aquatic wonderland. The fish tanks were my birthday present this year. I feel bad that I don't sit and stare that much at the smaller tank, but it's just that those fish in there are aggressive and hyper. They remind me of pirhannas. In fact that's the whole reason why we had to separate them from the others, they were murdering the platys in the middle of the night. We'd wake up in the morning to a gruesome murder scene each morning, until I said, that's enough. I was mad and almost flushed them but David said let's just get them their own tank.
He handles everything, and by everything, I mean everything. He rides his bike everywhere. I stopped going places a few months ago due to my inability to keep going. I've slowed down so much. It's time for medication. Never thought I'd ever say that. But I am now. And disability, too. Ran from that prospect a few years ago and forced myself back into the normal world but my body would only keep up and play the game for so long before it said, that's enough. Well you know what? I got to where I needed to be in life, in more ways than one. I'm safe now.

Speaking of the beautiful sea, the sand is white here, and the water is deep crystal turquoise. The sun glistens on the water like yellow disco lights and even the things that wash up on the shore are pretty, like thick pieces of driftwood that's light, like cork. I have a whole bunch of it. I even made a cross out of 4 pieces of it, connected it all together with caulk, then painted a fish on each piece, like they're swimming in 4 different directions, north, south, east, and west. It hangs on my wall and it's all natural and drifty looking. Last year I made a cross out of palm fronds, it was all wispy and crinkly.
We get to the beach via bus. It's only a few miles away, but it's too far to walk. The bus takes you to the beach trolley (really just another bus, but done up like a street car), which then takes you to the island. I've noticed I really don't prefer the beach in the summer, mainly because of all the umbrellas the hotels put out that you're supposed to be a guest of in order to sit underneath one (it has 2 chairs with it) so you're left out all alone to fend for yourself, and walk and walk and walk till all the people fade away and you have to find a  spot down at the end, where the jellyfish also congregate and just wait for you to step on them. I'm just making that up. I don't think the jellyfish really mean to wash up and sting you.
So David & I have determined that we're not summer beach people. Another reason I don't like it is because last time we were laying out on the sand, a girl came along and laid down right next to him and proceeded to take off her bikini top, and although she was laying on her stomach you could still tell she was perfect, and it really sucked, but my loving husband played like he didn't even see her. Then after a few minutes he said, come on baby, let's find a better spot. He continues to win my heart day in and day out in so many different ways I can't keep up with them all.
I'm having some health issues again. Is that news? Or did everyone expect that anyway, and I'm the last to know that it wasn't over? That in reality, it had only just begun?

Well, ok then, shall I start writing again? And shall I be deep and silly and confusing and inconsistent? Ok. You got it. I made this new blog to help get me going, and there will be no images or videos on here, only deep thoughts. I even tried to delete my ms paint program but it wouldn't let me. I can't throw anything away anymore, including phones, because the man I married gets mad if I do. I tried to explain my reasoning behind it all but it didn't seem to work.
I suppose I should fill you in on everything, but you know how bad things can get when I go too deep, so let's just keep things simple for now, ok? Let me warm back up.
Basic things you will need to know, if you don't know me: Critter is my cat, David is my hubby. Lele is my daughter. I'm Amy. Don't get to know me or you will end up with a perpetual headache. I love you.
Is that even true?